The Tory Party, 1832-2024

It is with great sadness that we announce the passing of the Tory Party, beloved overlord, on 5 July 2024 after a long and terminal decline.

The Conservative and Unionist Party was founded in 1832 from an alliance between the Tory and Whig parties to defend the existing order against radical reform. Once widely respected, the party adapted to changes it originally opposed, ultimately betraying its aristocratic roots. Despite surviving the introduction of universal suffrage, the party’s longevity was due to a feud within the Liberal leadership.

Under Stanley Baldwin and Winston Churchill, the party embraced “one nation conservatism,” thriving until Margaret Thatcher’s leadership in 1975. Thatcher rejected compromise, promoting divisive economic policies and combative nationalism until her removal in 1990. The end of the Cold War revealed the party’s failure to restore Britain’s global status, and it increasingly blamed the EU and immigration for its decline. John Major inherited these contradictions and scandals, forcing leaders to prioritise party survival over national interest.

David Cameron’s 2013 EU referendum promise exacerbated internal divisions. In its post-Brexit decline, the party deluded itself with a strong and stable bot, a clown and a lettuce, the latter a poor imitation of Thatcher herself. By 2019, Labour’s weak leadership kept the party afloat, but British voters eventually sought to end it. As a vehicle for rightwing populism, it was outclassed by extreme Brexit proponents.

The Conservative Party will lie in state in Westminster Hall, near where its recent leaders lied on its behalf. The funeral will conclude the moment the last leader wearies of the back benches and departs in his private jet, soaring off into the Californian sunset, as if there were more pressing matters awaiting him.

Attire for the funeral is at your discretion, though lively and cheerful colours are encouraged. In lieu of flowers, perhaps direct your generosity towards one of those anti-poverty charities that operate food banks across the UK.